communication
October 2008 
Thought Spam
Posted on Jun 23rd, 2008
by 
Halal the Giraffe
Halal the Giraffe
I am grateful to have read Christine Kane's blog entry comparing the negative thoughts we have about ourselves and others to the e-spam we all receive daily. It's a powerful image when really applied as she suggests. I made a commitment to some loved ones that I would be treating myself differently this week, versus last year, and mental spam is figuring heavily into the process.
This time last year, literally one year ago, I first came to Orlando for a week-long training in Conscious Discipline. On my way, I had lots of thoughts about how I would interact with people, be engaging and interesting, make loads of friends and just generally impress the hell out of everyone. Right. It is interesting in hindsight to see that that set of thoughts is a regularly reoccuring one (not to mention egoic), and the outcome is generally predictable as well. Instead of putting myself out there fully, I hold back, get sad and lonely, then blame everyone else for not seeing me. I mean, come on, if they only looked they could not help but know I am worth getting to know!
Really? How would they? If I give them nothing to work with, how could they possibly know?
Last year, I was m i s e r a b l e. I remember watching a woman in the pool. She was gorgeous, fully-embodied, wearing a black and gold bikini, and seemingly completely unconcerned with how she appeared. She did not have society's image of a perfect body, but it didn't matter -- what she had, she carried so confidently her beauty was radically ramped up. I wondered at the time if such confidence (of which I felt none) could really be just a decision.
I'm still not sure about that, but I'm getting closer to the concept.
Here are some changes I've made within my own head this week.
1 - Rather than planning how I would act, how I would try to appear to others, I replaced all of those thoughts with "eah. Let's just see what happens." The "eah" was particularly important, I found. The verbal equivalent of an easy-going shoulder-shrug. And a light-weight "shut UP" to my ego voice.
2 - I've been noticing the thoughts that predictably lead to my sadness and loneliness this week. Rather than fight them with opposition and cheery aphorisms to happy myself up, I just decided to treat them as spam. Not open them, not spend any more time on them, not follow the links, not believe (at least for the moment) that they were true. Just the possibility that they might not be true led to spaciousness. What IF I am not actually an idiot in a wise-person's clothing among all of these other obviously informed, brilliant, and talented people? It is a leap for me. I'm interested in the space between the thought and the belief in it's validity. That space allows me to watch it, it's effect, and it's implications without knowing whether or not it is true.
3 - I wish I could remember exactly how she said it, but Becky made the point visually and clearly today that when we allow those self-abusive thoughts to arise in us, we are cutting ourselves off from use of our frontal lobes. You know, the part of the brain where we think. And when I got that, I got that it is our responsibility to stop the thoughts. No one else can do it. No one. Welllll.... shit. The fear that immediately comes up with that is, "what if I choose to believe that I CAN do x, y and z, only to find out later that I had no business trying any letter of the alphabet at all? What if I waste just a whole bunch of time?" Wonder where those thoughts came from. Interesting.
4 - I have a firm feeling.. belief... that I am only going so deep into a very rich and complex system here, because I have only achieved so much depth in my own emotional and communicative maturity. We can only teach what we know. If I don't ask for what I want, I most likely won't get it. If I am not truly assertive, there's no way I can teach assertiveness, right? I'm seeing it. There is a woman sitting next to me at my table who chews gum and smacks it. She's got every right to do it and is doing nada wrong there. But... I'm having trouble thinking while it is going on. (Mouth sounds are a phyiscal trigger for a long-past trauma for me. Sends me right into Fight or Flight... sidebar... watching the process I am consciously going through to remain out of my brain stem and up in my frontal lobe is pretty fascinating, too.) No wonder I don't know how to guide the children in developing appropriate language for stopping intrusions. Here is a perceived intrusion on my space and I am too frightened to ask her to stop.
So. Tomorrow, I will take a respectful and responsible step toward finding a solution with her on this. I think I will not be able to move forward in this philosophy -- or all of my growth process, really -- until I do.
This time last year, literally one year ago, I first came to Orlando for a week-long training in Conscious Discipline. On my way, I had lots of thoughts about how I would interact with people, be engaging and interesting, make loads of friends and just generally impress the hell out of everyone. Right. It is interesting in hindsight to see that that set of thoughts is a regularly reoccuring one (not to mention egoic), and the outcome is generally predictable as well. Instead of putting myself out there fully, I hold back, get sad and lonely, then blame everyone else for not seeing me. I mean, come on, if they only looked they could not help but know I am worth getting to know!
Really? How would they? If I give them nothing to work with, how could they possibly know?
Last year, I was m i s e r a b l e. I remember watching a woman in the pool. She was gorgeous, fully-embodied, wearing a black and gold bikini, and seemingly completely unconcerned with how she appeared. She did not have society's image of a perfect body, but it didn't matter -- what she had, she carried so confidently her beauty was radically ramped up. I wondered at the time if such confidence (of which I felt none) could really be just a decision.
I'm still not sure about that, but I'm getting closer to the concept.
Here are some changes I've made within my own head this week.
1 - Rather than planning how I would act, how I would try to appear to others, I replaced all of those thoughts with "eah. Let's just see what happens." The "eah" was particularly important, I found. The verbal equivalent of an easy-going shoulder-shrug. And a light-weight "shut UP" to my ego voice.
2 - I've been noticing the thoughts that predictably lead to my sadness and loneliness this week. Rather than fight them with opposition and cheery aphorisms to happy myself up, I just decided to treat them as spam. Not open them, not spend any more time on them, not follow the links, not believe (at least for the moment) that they were true. Just the possibility that they might not be true led to spaciousness. What IF I am not actually an idiot in a wise-person's clothing among all of these other obviously informed, brilliant, and talented people? It is a leap for me. I'm interested in the space between the thought and the belief in it's validity. That space allows me to watch it, it's effect, and it's implications without knowing whether or not it is true.
3 - I wish I could remember exactly how she said it, but Becky made the point visually and clearly today that when we allow those self-abusive thoughts to arise in us, we are cutting ourselves off from use of our frontal lobes. You know, the part of the brain where we think. And when I got that, I got that it is our responsibility to stop the thoughts. No one else can do it. No one. Welllll.... shit. The fear that immediately comes up with that is, "what if I choose to believe that I CAN do x, y and z, only to find out later that I had no business trying any letter of the alphabet at all? What if I waste just a whole bunch of time?" Wonder where those thoughts came from. Interesting.
4 - I have a firm feeling.. belief... that I am only going so deep into a very rich and complex system here, because I have only achieved so much depth in my own emotional and communicative maturity. We can only teach what we know. If I don't ask for what I want, I most likely won't get it. If I am not truly assertive, there's no way I can teach assertiveness, right? I'm seeing it. There is a woman sitting next to me at my table who chews gum and smacks it. She's got every right to do it and is doing nada wrong there. But... I'm having trouble thinking while it is going on. (Mouth sounds are a phyiscal trigger for a long-past trauma for me. Sends me right into Fight or Flight... sidebar... watching the process I am consciously going through to remain out of my brain stem and up in my frontal lobe is pretty fascinating, too.) No wonder I don't know how to guide the children in developing appropriate language for stopping intrusions. Here is a perceived intrusion on my space and I am too frightened to ask her to stop.
So. Tomorrow, I will take a respectful and responsible step toward finding a solution with her on this. I think I will not be able to move forward in this philosophy -- or all of my growth process, really -- until I do.
Access: Public
i'm so glad i found you, dear, through Lisa… you are an awesome person. Do you know this quote from Marianne Williamson?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Halal, are you familiar with Byron Katie's work? Much of what you said in reference to Conscous Discipline sounds similar, especially the part concerning thoughts: Just the possibility that they might not be true led to spaciousness. It seems so many of our thoughts are not true, yet we're convinced otherwise until we start questioning more deeply. The minute we start loosening the density around some of those thoughts….we can never be the same….it's like we start to realize that so many of the negative thoughts that pop through our heads are simply & completely not necessarily true. Love what you wrote.
This is powerful, Halal. How is today?
I always love reading the way you approach issues. It gives me so much to think about…
I'm continually moved and impressed by your willingness to dig deep into the marrow of the story. To want better for yourself. To tirelessly engage with that inner child and create your own healing. I think what I'm trying to say is: you're one extraordinarily juicy woman…
Oh my, how I do love you all. Thank you.
Nicole, one can never read that quote too many times, and I particularly appreciate it's applicability at this point.
Kathy, funny you bring up Byron Katie. I've been seeking out podcasts of her lately, have just started one of her books (on loan from Romanlily), and have another on the shelf. Someone said something today about using “inquiry” in her kindergarten class as an approach to science (turns out this same teacher won the national science teacher award this year, too… first time it's been given to a K teacher), and my first thought was Katie. I haven't been applying the questions, as such, but you're right – it's the same spaciousness, same concept here. I particularly liked ”loosening the density around some of those thoughts,” as that is exactly how this feels. Thank you for drawing out the connection.
Emma and RL, thank you for commenting. Sometimes when I think I have no idea what I want to do for a next career, I start to wonder if it's possible to get paid for digging into your own stuff. That's almost all I really know how to do!
Fab Slice (I'm still thinking “welcome home!” for you, though you've been back for days now…), it was a good day. The spam continues, sometimes I forget to dismiss it before clicking a link, but I have so far remembered to let it go. I met a simply gorgeous and Passionate woman today who is working with the most deprived and damaged children in a Head Start program. I can't even say how wonderful it was to listen to her extreme belief in what she can do with those kids – and I am certain she is right. My spam filter lifted for about an hour and I was in wood-chop-my-head mode about where in the world my own similar passion for ANYTHING is. But that takes away from her – I want her to stand on her own in my perception without the comparision needle tracking her, so that was my cue to just Stop. Toward the end of the day, I had some nice connection time with the women (and man) at my table.
I did not get up the courage to talk to my gum-chewing neighbor. I comforted myself that at least I could watch my own craziness with amusement as I let one opportunity after another go by. :-) Thank you, dear ones. When I feel lonely here, as I still do sometimes, I remind myself that you are here, too. Best to you - Halal
Something you wrote struck me as particularly profound,
“I've been noticing the thoughts that predictably lead to my sadness and loneliness this week. Rather than fight them with opposition and cheery aphorisms to happy myself up, I just decided to treat them as spam. Not open them, not spend any more time on them, not follow the links, not believe (at least for the moment) that they were true.”
I think in this case, those thoughts might be useful to examine. I have tried not spending time on and not “following the links” of my self-defeating thoughts, and what it lead to was those thoughts coming back again and again. I like Byron Katie's approach. You write down your beliefs, ask if they are true, and if they're not, turn them around. The more I've been doing this, the more I have seen how all thoughts are actually beneficial. We use our thoughts and our thinking to accomplish goals. A lot of the time, those “goals” can be avoid or justify our behaviour … . so to that end, the thoughts are doing exactly what they're designed to do. I have found when I am “stuck” in a particular place, it's because the “cost” of changing isn't what I want to spend my energy on.
A concrete example will help here. Let's say my thought is, “I dislike how much time gets wasted when my Mom calls me.” My Mom is a widow and tends to obsess about my brother's illness. Since I was a teenager, I have played the role of her “surrogate husband” listening to her and offering support. When I ask myself if the thought, “I dislike how much time gets wasted when my Mom calles me,” is true, it isn't really. Though I find it frustrating and often express that frustration when I get off the phone; when I “followed the links,” I discovered two very good reasons I continue doing this. The first reason is that the relationship which has evolved between my mother and I is completely based on her discussing perceived problems. Though they annoy me, these conversations serve as a connection between she and I. We honestly don't have anything else in common beside discussing problems. The little kid in me wants a relationship with my Mom (even a flawed one like this) more than having no relationship at all - therefore, these conversations actually are serving a beneficial purpose. The second purpose they serve is to waste my time. Again, on the surface, my emotions rage against this. But, then I discovered that wasting time is actually beneficial to me. When I have a 2 hour long conversation with my Mom, I have a concrete excuse for why I couldn't find time to tackle a challenging piece of art, or to do some household chores. When my husband comes home and the dishes are still in the sink, all I have to do is say, “I was on the phone with Mom today,” and his annoyance gets deflected from me and onto her. When I followed the “link” of the initial negative thought, I found other thoughts which were reinforcing this scenario. “I wish I didn't have to clean the house today,” and “What if I make a total mess of this painting, I'm so close to finishing - I don't want to blow it.” For a long, long time I was not aware that these long conversations were anything but annoying - I didn't realize that they were actually benefitting me (in an albeit frustrating way). Subconsciously, I was actually inviting them into my life. We humans gravitate toward things which benefit us - even is they are felt on the surface as suffering and our ego screams, “I don't like this!” That being said, I encourage you to open some of that “thought spam,” “follow the links” and find the source of them. If we stick to the computer analogy, a spam filter doesn't eliminate spam, it only keeps it at bay. The only way to eliminate it is to trace it back to the source. Luckily, that task is easier with “thought spam” than with computer-generated spam. I loved your post, it caused me to reflect and clarify my own situation via sharing this example with you. Thanks.
Otter, thanks so much for your thoughts – you've had me thinking all day long. Lots and lots of validity to what you are saying. Our thoughts can be a gem mine we aren't even aware of if we're willing to stop, inquire, see what wisdom is there to teach us something.
I think there can be situational factors about when to open the spam and when to either discard it or save it for later. The thoughts I've been holding at bay this week (and I didn't do a great job with that process today) have been more general – “I'm too stupid to get this.” “If I don't understand this fully now, I never will.” “Everyone can see that I'm an idiot.” Trash like that. I have immediate brain chemistry reactions to thoughts like that – we all do – which affect how present I can be and how much I can learn from the situation I'm in. And they breed. One thought definitely calls for the next negative one to follow. If I stop and go through The Work with them, I've lost presence for what the speaker (who is brilliant) is teaching. I can, however, notice the tone and save the lot in a folder for my next therapy session or journal. And, some of them are recognizably silly and “old tape” that will be with me for life but deserve no time (IMHO). Giving them time feels like giving them power.
Either way, noting that they are just thoughts and don't have to be believed is a step forward. Becky Bailey gave us a neat image to go with this process yesterday. I'll load it up separately.
Thanks for your time, energy and careful thought, Otter. It is a pleasure to see you here! (Are you working on your book?)
Love,
Halal
i feel that way about Marianne's quote too, Halal. And like you, I have really appreciated the comments. Great thread idea for the God Pod (my endless refrain here lol)!
big hugs
I was walking with my hostess this morning and we got to talking about what to do with those “negative” thoughts that come around. Her yoga teachers said Thict Nat Han (I know I butchered the spelling there) teaches we can look at those thoughts as infants, asking them “what do you need from me? How can I help you right now?” with the understanding that ignoring them will not teach them not to cry out.
Sigh… I guess there's a part of me not wanting to look at these painful things at all. My interactions with them in the past have led to more buy-in, more pain, rather than more understanding.