Not mine.

I haven't blogged here in a while, which was pointed out to me by my friend Gooney Bird this weekend.  (I was touched that she mentioned it.)  I've been on Gaia somewhat frequently, but am participating in a second round of a 45-day challenge, this time hosted on Gaia itself in a private pod.  (Want to join us for another round?  Let me know!)  So I'm here, and yet not.  Ah well. 

My challenge, which we're about half way through, is about reconnecting to the word Pleasure.  I'm reading a fun, light read referenced below, and though I can't say I'm all about pleasure, it is rewarding to have some part of my attention focused there.  I am increasingly recognising the validity of just experiencing the state. 

The following is a cross-post from my challenge. 

Book Quote
"Mama wants to teach you the art of adding pleasure to your day.  You will give yourself glow is you do.  You will be a woman amongst women, noticed for her aura, her clarity, and her flair.  Glow creates beauty in women of all ages, all body types, all backgrounds.  Glow is the thing that people who go for face-lifts and tummy tucks and implants all want, but never get, from a visit to the surgeon's office.  Glow comes from internal approval, not disapproval.  Pleasure and fun create the environment where self-esteem and self-worship flourish. 

You want glow --- you gotta have fun." 

p 56. Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts, by Regena Thomashauer

Recent Pleasures
I'm at home today, having spent myself on our community's arts festival this weekend.  I could write for hours on the juice that came from it for me, but I'll limit myself to a bulleted list of recent pleasures.

• I love event planning.  I love knowing the details of a thing and seeing how it can all potentially work together, while dreaming of the next one.
• I enjoyed feeling my power this weekend.
• I enjoyed having the structure I needed to sit down and be with the artists who came to be vendors with us.
• I got a henna tattoo on Saturday -- the kind that starts at the tip of one finger and runs up the arm -- and my face painted with a large colorful and glittery butterfly on Sunday.   Loved both. 
• I enjoyed hearing that those who were setting up a booth for the first time ever were figuring out how to make it all work in an atmosphere that felt safe.  
• I enjoyed buying beautiful handmade jewelry and cards for myself.
• I slept 11.5 hours last night.  Glorious!
• I am not at work today.  
• My son's increasing grasp of language cracks me up.
• RL, my husband and I sat by a fire on our back porch this weekend.  Nothing better!
• There is a small break in the pressure of all that needs accomplishing right now.  That break allows me to sleep in and read Gaia and comment as I want to.  
• I see that I am becoming truly integrated in this community by way of showing up. 

Today's intention:

• Go outside to work on lesson planning
• maintain this sense of well-being

Not my photo - attribution here. 

1 - meeting Centria in person today!

2 - a neighbor gave my son a hand-me-down train table last night.  Oh, the joy for him!

3 - I'm not going to work tomorrow.

4 - In the middle of a crazy, broken day at work, I remembered that it's the system that's broken, not me.

5 - lighting tea candles just because

6 - my son hasn't found the fairy door yet, which means my own excitement is still building

Kevin has been working on this for months.  He shared with me a website he found ages ago in which someone was doing these little mini doors and windows for their grandchild to find, I think.  (This is not the original one, but it does show you what some others are doing with the idea.)  One of the things I remember from those pictures was that there was a little porch light by the door that was sometimes on, sometimes off.  Anyway, Kevin's created this one to match our actual front door and steps.  The windows have little scenes of (tiny) domestic life in them.  There's a broom leaning against the door. 

I CAN'T WAIT TIL MY SON FINDS THIS!!!  And I just pray I am home for it.  :-)

Not my photo - original attributed here.

I've really grown accustomed to my space at Ning.com. Something about its visual set up pleases me so much, but my heart is here at Gaia.com. Hard to choose! I will cross-post this entry, then I'll figure out where I'm going to be. Much as I love both, my energy has been split for the last month and a half.

It's been a big couple of days for me in ways that seem indicative of the BLC work completed at Ning. I'm recounting the last day or so for my own benefit, as a reminder to how "empowerment" feels.

Two days ago, I set a limit for myself with regard to some committee work here in my small town. I defined what I was and was not willing to do, and then communicated that limit to the necessary folks. The limit was called into question, which gave me a chance to stand by it. The result was an increase in available energy.

Yesterday, I intentionally brought the brewing discord with my coworker into the open, only to have it explode on his end. I was very upset at the time. Thankfully, my department chair was present and had my back for me. Even when I know someone is unconscious and acting out of their own issues, I still find it very disconcerting to hear how bizarrely I am seen through their eyes. It's a helpless, hopeless feeling to be in close, daily contact with someone so unaware of my role of Mirror. Anyway, I took good care of myself afterward, yet was still surprised later in the evening to find that letting myself be vulnerable in the safety of my own home was difficult. The event affected me more than I wanted to admit.

Today, I went to our community's pancake breakfast and interacted with folks in ways I have not been able to in the past. Conversations felt easy and comfortable. That was different and wonderful. Driving out of town an hour later, I got a glimpse of how important feeling comfortable in my community is to my sense of well-being. Horizons are larger, my thinking more spacious.

My destination was the public library, where I'd heard there would be a parenting class and a reading of a new children's book designed to teach parenting skills. I was the first arrival and, meeting the author, introduced myself as a future Parent Coach. I started shaking right there. The author seemed to be seeking my approval (?) for what she was saying throughout, and she essentially told the rest of the group that I was already a Parent Coach. When someone in the back of the room asked questions, I had potential answers but didn't give them during the class (not my show).

In talking to this woman-with-questions afterward, however, she said, "You know, I don't need marriage counseling, I need a parent coach! How do I get one?" "Well, would you be interested in talking with me?" "Yes! How much do you charge?" "Nothing right now. I'm not actually a coach yet. But I would love to get some experience, and if turns out what I have to say is not helpful to you, there's nothing lost."

I don't think I would have put myself out there like that if it hadn't been for BLC. And I've already given myself permission to be unskillful at it. :-) (Thanks, Nicci.)

There were many other things I learned from that brief hour. One parent in the room was hyper vigilant about her child acting appropriately, and she eventually left with her child. I didn't see her child doing anything at all that was inappropriate, but I also recognize that every person's feel for what is ok and what isn't is different. So, how do you set a class up so that parents relax enough to learn something with their children present?

Second, in talking to the woman-with-questions, I realized that even though she was there to find other possible solutions to her behavioral woes at home, she felt a need to defend what she had already been doing. That's a tough one to manage.  But I'm glad to see clearly that it will be part of the mix.

Third, when my child was flipping out in the Kroger an hour later, I saw this thought go by: "How can I call myself a parent coach if my child does stuff like this?" It's a crazy thought, really. I think parent coaching isn't going to be about "fixing" the kids, it'll be about giving the parents more tools for handling situations which they currently don't feel prepared to handle. Kids will be kids.

Speaking of kids, mine is up from his nap. I'm off - and I'm happy to be alive!

I am not the photographer of these glorious photos. See the original photo and attribution here.

Goal: I will transform how I think and feel about myself in my job, while also pursuing another one. The 2008-2009 school year will be my most invigorated period to date!

Today's objectives:
* enjoy the children
* forgive my mistakes
* observe myself

Perceived Obstacles:
* long-standing patterns

Insights:
* Only one of these I'll mention today: I had a class that went poorly this morning, enough so that I ended up leaving the group early. That's not unheard of with this group -- it's a rough, street-wise bunch of boys and I frequently walk away not knowing what to do differently. Such was today. What I came away with today, though, was an awareness of how my negative thoughts muddy the waters of my perception. They take up so many resources that further mistakes and unskilled moments are almost guaranteed.

* I am aware of not wanting to wrap this up. I'm still writing about how the challenge is progressing. I'll do a little list-making below, and maybe some follow-up stuff tomorrow.

Successes: Over the course of this challenge, I have:
* learned about and begun employing EFT regularly
* learned about and employed the progress of "getting complete"
* increasingly focused on the positive
* come to know some really incredible women in ways I didn't know before
* developed a genuine connection with a woman here who can help me with my current job via shared brainstorming
* reset my bedtime. This has had a truly enormous impact.
* increased my degree of presence with children
* increased my trust in myself and my skills
* developed a new "knowing" that Parent Coaching is indeed what I want to do next
* completed my application for school
* by way of a new job offer, had a simply fantastic opportunity to wrestle with insecurities, lack of clarity, lack of faith, and what I'm putting out to the universe
* taken a good look at balance in my life - taking in and giving out
* begun making mandala meals every so often.

I am grateful for:
* the secadas I can hear out my window
* laughter
* earlier bedtimes
* close friends
* wisdom of those friends
* increasing clarity
* solidity of my marriage
* email
* Ubiquity (this one kind of makes me pant knowing it's out there)
* The Biology of Belief (wow!)

I am grateful that my job:
* gives me such great opportunities for self growth
* has up days and down days
* requires me to work hard and thus grow
* is teaching me to take folks at their words

I am not the photographer of these glorious photos. See the original photo and attribution here.

Goal: I will transform how I think and feel about myself in my job, while also pursuing another one. The 2008-2009 school year will be my most invigorated period to date!

Today's objectives:
* replenish
* be present
* don't worry so much about how Alone I look on the playground.

Perceived Obstacles:
* taking care of me and the Big Boy, too

Insights:
* I had an a-ha last night around taking in as much as I give out. Whitney asked me what I do to take care of myself. Ordinarily, I'd say I do a lot. But when I sat down to make a list, I couldn't think of much. And nothing on the list felt juicy in that moment. This morning I took Kylin to a parade and festival by myself, something I usually associate with some degree of stress. It was ok, though, because I also realized last night that "taking in" or "replenishing" is an attitude. It can be done anytime, anywhere, depending on how one is thinking about where they are. So, now back from the festival, I'm still tired but it feels different.

* We built a playground last weekend (was it just a week ago? wow...) and today, there were a dozen or more families there. The kids were picnicking and playing on the equipment while the adults played volleyball. I was a little lost about where to be - wanted to be a part of the adult interactions but didn't want to play volleyball. Huh... as I write that sentence, I see that it wasn't so much that I didn't think I could play well and would look stupid (though I admit that was there), it was that I just didn't want to play. And I'm allowed to feel that. Huh.

* I've gotten a whole, whole lot out of the structure of this challenge. It's partly the designated time aspect, partly the community, partly having a goal that is changing my life. I actually don't want to give this structure up. I was thinking today that I'd be willing to take on another 30 or 45 days on a different goal. One that has the same feel as before of starting with something I don't like and actively working to make it something I do... like, feeling and being a real part of the community I live in. I currently skirt the edges. So -- anyone interested in re-upping?

Successes:
* making an effort to see Terri this morning
* not following what I believed to be Terri's whims, but acting in the best interest of my son and myself
* taking a nap
* I'm doing fine as a parent.
* going to the playground and staying
* playing even 5 minutes worth of volleyball

I am grateful for:
* afternoon naps for self and the Big Boy
* a fun concert by Laughing Pizza at the Decatur Book Festival
* the new playground for kids and adults
* the amazing community-ness of both spaces
* fried zucchini
* another evening to do as I choose
* plans to walk up Stone Mountain in the morning

I am grateful that my job:
* involves my creativity, which is a never-ending commodity -- unless I don't take care of me
* takes Labor Day off
* gives me a paycheck I can live off of

I am not the photographer of these glorious photos. See the original photo and attribution here.

Goal: I will transform how I think and feel about myself in my job, while also pursuing another one. The 2008-2009 school year will be my most invigorated period to date!

Today's objectives:
* be present
* enjoy being with the kids
* roll with the ITBS punches

Perceived Obstacles:
* So much to do, which things do I choose?
* how do I go deeper with EFT on myself?
* only one week left here!

Insights:
* I send mixed messages to people socially. I'm afraid of turning people away, while also knowing time is limited and rest imperative. I'm hereby looking for ways to be clearer in my communication.
* I do love kids. Sounds crazy to call that an insight, I know, but I'm getting in touch with that in a new way so far this school year. Being present is so thoroughly key. Amazingly important. Wow!

Successes:
* I did a group process tonight with a woman in my therapy group; the idea is that I had her enrolled as someone else in my life, making it impossible to see her directly. It means I respond to her through a filter. But I worked to remove that filter tonight, knowing also that I have two other women in the same enrollment. One of them is at work, so this is work-related in that way. What I came away with was a new awareness of my power, beauty and clarity. This is good.

I am grateful for:
* RAIN! Something like 3 inches in our drought-beseiged lakes in the last day or so.
* my therapy group, my comfort level with them, my increasing willingness to bring all of me there, my increasing levels of honesty with them
* love.
* the newly opened playground! And photos of this evening showing at least 20 children playing there

I am grateful that my job:
* is the means by which I pay for therapy group. :-)
* teaches me about life
* teaches me about gratitude
* teaches me to not take things personally. I know not to take a child's temper-tantrum personally, so why would I take an adult's personally? In theory, anyway...

I am not the photographer of these glorious photos. See the original photo and attribution here.

Goal: I will transform how I think and feel about myself in my job, while also pursuing another one. The 2008-2009 school year will be my most invigorated period to date!

Today's objectives:
* EFT on planning
* lesson plan with ease and comfort
* enjoy not being at work (I took the day to be at home for lesson planning and for prepping for our small town's playground build tomorrow)
* catch up on blogs (part way there!)
* complete plans so I can enjoy the weekend (2/3rds there)

Perceived Obstacles:
* not procrastinating around lesson planning

Insights:
* My husband has been an all-hands-on-deck kind of guy in preparation for tomorrow's Kaboom! playground build. I think I have him enrolled as my father, however, as I keep assuming over and over again that he's building resentment about the process. He's not. I officially de-enroll him is my dad.
* I seem to have turned a corner with regard to planning. In the past, it's been important to me that I have new and interesting activities, stuff neither the teachers nor students have seen before. That's led to performance anxiety, especially after 13 years of always looking for some new and exciting way to play bloody rhythm sticks. This year, using many of the same things from previous years is just fine, and the focus is where it should have been all along -- being present with the kids. I think this is a big key to enjoying my job -- I want this to last!

Successes:
* Sometimes making a really good effort, despite outcome, is good enough.
* I found enjoyment in putting together plans today.
* I asked for info about the pending job and got it. Not yet, she says, but soon. I guess the success is that I'm ok with that.
* I set an intention to not hit snooze on my 30 minute nap and kept to it (almost unheard of in my world). I set the intention using EFT. Was it the intention, the EFT, or both that helped me get right out of bed?

I am grateful for:
* the playground build tomorrow. It is a vehicle for connecting to people I have historically had trouble finding connections with
* learning to be ok with having stepped out of the center circle on this project. I didn't feel comfortable personally or socially. There's still some guilt, but I see it is unnecessary and self-imposed.
* yummy food for dinner
* my son acquiescing to having his teeth brushed (surprise!)
* my coworker calling just to tell me a funny story
* Carissa coming to build with us tomorrow
* for the cool and constant wind outside

I am grateful that my job:
* accrues days to take off
* led me to a path of such desperation that I joined this 45 day challenge to ensure something different could grow in it's place
* takes place in a county under tremendous social and political pressure. In the long run, the kids will benefit from the necessary changes underway. And in the short run, so many families have left the county that class sizes are more manageable now than they have been in years (it's a selfish gratitude on this one)

PS to Gaia: I am woefully out of touch here, and I'm sorry about that.  Just 11 more days on this challenge, then I'll be able to focus some attention back here.  During the school year - and this year especially since I've made getting to bed by 10:30 a practice, there are just 2 hours in the evenings to do everything I want to do.  Aigh!

I am not the photographer of these glorious photos. See the original photo and attribution here. And, PS, this isn't me.

Goal: I will transform how I think and feel about myself in my job, while also pursuing another one. The 2008-2009 school year will be my most invigorated period to date!

Today's objectives:
* do something toward getting ready for work on Monday
* begin my "completing the past" list

Perceived Obstacles:
* My quiet beliefs about people who make lots of money.
* Do I do functional tasks toward being ready for work on Monday, or do I start on my list of Bonks?

Insights:
* (My apologies to all Lexus drivers reading this:) Out and about this morning, my husband and I had identical reactions to a car he let cut in front of us at an intersection. A silver Lexus SUV. Both of us commented that if we'd known what it was, we wouldn't have let it in. Pathetic! But very, very enlightening. I've been looking for the quiet underlying beliefs I have about people who are wealthy. In that one comment, I saw I think wealthy people are rude, entitled, and unkind. Why would I want to be any of those things?

* (Brief update from 27/45: a personal coach suggested yesterday that I "get complete with the past" by writing down/talking about all of the many hurts I've experienced in my current job, each of which has led to some bit of contraction.)  I started writing my list of "bonks" from my job over the last 13 years. I'm surprised by how many of them I visit daily - I had no idea they were still playing such a part in everyday life! Years ago, I was involved in an est-related workshop where we created a "garbage list" of 100 items - little to big hurts we were still living with. I remember a huge release from writing them down and then reading the list aloud to someone. I've promised myself a list of at least 100 related to my current job, and I'm still going strong at 65, not even having scratched the surface. There's no order, certainly they aren't chronological, and often another comes up and is forgotten again before I can record the one I'm on. How did I not see this?

Successes:
* Questioning my beliefs.
* beginning the litany of constricting moments

I am grateful for:
* the new concepts my son is learning and interacting with
* the two blackberries Kylin shared with me over breakfast
* Nicci
* this challenge and this practice of gratitude, which meant that when I went to roll up the car windows that had been letting in rain for the last 7-10 minutes, I pretty quickly starting looking for the reframe. I'm glad I got there before MORE water got in! Sitting in the car in the rain was beautiful.
* the fact that my son played in his room alone for 90 minutes today, content and engaged. I could hear him warbling through the monitor while I worked on my list. When did he become capable of sustained play like that?

I am grateful that my job:
* does not involve working with a man as perpetually incendiary as the Dennis The Menace who lives in my small town.
* may be something I can find a way to be joyful doing
* involves daily variety

I’m no photographer. See the original photo and attribution here.

Goal: I will transform how I think and feel about myself in my job, while also pursuing another one. The 2008-2009 school year will be my most invigorated period to date!

Today's objectives:
* prepare for the evening presentation (yep)
* do something worthwhile other than prepare (maybe in name only?)
* work on my new hello songs (done)

Perceived Obstacles:
* If I achieve my goal, people will leave me. I leave people behind and they don't want to talk to me then. (EFT....)

Insights:
* I did a presentation tonight for a group of women on Conscious Discipline. I've been working toward this -- avoiding it, too -- for a number of weeks. Tonight went very well. Not the ecstatic jumping up and down reaction from them my inner child wanted (ever the praise-seeker, she), but maybe better. They were thoughtful. Contemplative. Really considering what I'd said. All of that is great, and I'm happy to know that what I presented to them had impact. The real insight for the evening, though, is that I'm still feeling very even keel. In my heart of hearts, I love to teach workshops to adults. I can get very high off them. What I feel now is calm. I felt calm before, and calm after. I watched the thoughts about my worth rise and fall before we ever started. I did a touch of EFT in the bathroom and felt an actual difference. I think the difference tonight is that I'm not taking any (or much) sense of self-worth from the fact that they reportedly want to hear more. It's almost hard to recognize the huge importance of that, given that I'm content and not exuberant.
* Deb commented about yesterday's post with something I've been considering for the last 24 hours. I think maybe I've already met (or am well on my way to meeting) my challenge goal. When I read my first post and compare it to any this week, I see a significant change. Life is lighter. I'm glad we aren't done here yet, because I want to see how things feel next week when sessions actually begin.
* My summer of finding new ways to connect with Kylin may be setting me up for a new way of being with the classes I serve. I'm not doing much to prepare new and intricate activities for next week. I'm just looking forward to being with the kids. Friends and fam, this is new.

Successes:
* When it was clear I couldn't settle into work other than for the presentation, I found light-weight ways to keep moving forward.
* Wetlands walk. Cool and breezy and wonderful today.
* Letting go of the negative self-talk when it arose.
* Choosing a moment of EFT before getting started tonight.

I am grateful for:
* EFT. I feel a lot lighter in general. I haven't felt much in the way of big changes from 9s to 2s, but overall, life is so even.
* the community here.
* my husband his willingness to care for our child when I have opportunities to do things that feel important.
* my friend Beth, her invitation to speak tonight, and her employees' attentiveness to my process.
* recognizing the coup that tonight's feelings represent
* my Ya-Ya girlfriends

I am grateful that my job:
* gives me this week to organize as I will.
* gives me a place to practice loving kindness
* is a place where I can grow
* is something I can remain in or let go of
* honors the artist and the scientist at once.